A MAN TOOK HIS APE TO THE DRY CLEANERS.

This was long overdue, according to the man's wife. The man's ape, she said, had left loafer's stains along the length and breadth of the chaise longue and had yellowed the door jam in the kitchen where his shoulders rubbed. Sometimes the ape suffered from night terrors and would climb into their bed.

He had left curious stains there, as well.

We do have a dirty ape, don't we honey, said the man. But most dry cleaners can't handle apes.

Yes, but I'm not washing him by hand, said the wife. He is covered with perspiration, lipstick, coffee grounds, semen, wine, and blood. He also reeks of tobacco.

So the man dragged the ape to a dry cleaner by the scruff of his neck.

Don't I have a say in the matter, protested the ape.

No, cried the man. You are an ape, and you are dirty as hell.

Use only your best catalysts and solvents on my ape, he advised the dry cleaner. His skin is sensitive. The dry cleaner nodded, scarcely acknowledging the ape.

The man arrived the next day to pick up his ape. He presented his ticket to the dry cleaner. The ape peered at him through the plastic bag, beaming with clean-ape pride.

When the man got to his car, he took the ape out of the bag.

How do I look? asked the ape.

Your glossy fur shines with the showroom intensity of twenty new black sedans, said the man. There is nothing quite like a clean ape, he twittered, clapping the ape on the shoulder.

The ape smiled. Even his teeth were clean. His teeth were as moist and white as newly laid eggs.

When the man arrives home with the ape, he finds his wife stretched out on the chaise longue with a glass of wine. She has lit a relaxing fire.

She claps her hands together like an opera fop when she sees their clean ape. My but he is a resplendent beast!

The ape leans against the dining room wall and lights a cigarette with the nonchalance of a Riviera hustler.

The man clears his throat and retires to the kitchen where he smells a fresh pot of coffee.

Would you like some wine, ape? asks the wife.

But of course, replies the ape.

Careless ape! Already he has ash all over his chest.

Then she looks down.

The ape is sporting the cleanest erection she has seen in weeks. It twinkles in the firelight like a crystal doorknob.

The man hears more clapping from the living room and smiles over the brim of his coffee mug.

Everyone has earned a bit of relaxation now that the ape is clean.


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